Day 18- Sky's Not Falling Apart After All

Turned over a new leaf. Oh no! you say. She said that before and she lied, you say. Yes, the first time, I lied. I thought it was permanent, but I never learn do I? Well I'm back. From where? From being lost. I gave up on everything I dreamed about because I gave up on everything I cared about. When you lose love, you lose life. I was nothing, but a mindless machine doing what others wanted me to do. I followed their paths, not my own. I stopped writing, reading, drawing, laughing, and most importantly, loving. I couldn't anymore. I couldn't find the motivation to care about others, I couldn't even care for myself. Six boys I've gone through like clothes. I'd wear one proudly for weeks on end before trashing him for a new style. Six may not sound like too much, but to me... they were everything. For the first time in my life I didn't know who I loved. I was left without a back-up plan. No one to get me out of bed just to see his face, no one to love me for who I am and not who I want to be. No one at all.

Then I realized the problem. I thought styles changed fast, but that I could keep up. I can't. I have to adapt to the styles and change when I've hit a dead end. They always say don't change yourself, but how can you be happy until you shed your skin? So... I did. I stretched out of the old and into the new. There's still no single boy in my life, but I don't mind so much anymore. I can keep a list again. A list of boys I think are cute and nice, etc. It feels good to know I have options. And oh! To be single! The greatest freedom in the world I think. I do at times remember the feeling of being loved so deeply. That kind of memory can never leave. But I don't want it to. It's nice to know that when I'm older and have found that perfect guy, I can settle down and have that again. For now, I'll enjoy and treasure my freedom awaiting the day when Prince Charming will chain me to his heart.

I can write again. Draw again, start again. I have so many ideas that have been hiding for so long I can't wait to set them free. Looking back, I was so much better at expressing my feelings than I thought I was. How could I give up writing just when I was starting to blossom? It'll take a while to get back up to the level I was on, but I'll work hard because I have new energy.

What brought me out of the darkness you ask? That answer's simple, and it always has been. Books. They can change your mood within minutes of reading their intoxicating words. They can change your outlook on life and start ideas that grow into so much more. Take Marx and his Communist Manifesto for instance. Perhaps we don't really like the results so much, but the implications of the book are long-lasting and echo through the ages. It started a revolution. A search for a better life. I started on the classics, slowly making my way back to simple, clean, pure, love stories. They changed my mind. I want to come into the light again. With books by my side I'll just take it one step at a time.

Look for my new stories on my new blog coming soon!

Day 17- Miracle Summer

Could there be an option? Could that be a ray of hope when before there was none? I refuse to believe it. Impossible, I said. Crazy, I said. Could it be I've received a good thing twice? My magic is strong, my will is stonger still. Yet my love is the force that moves my world. It never ceases to amaze me.

A year has finally ended. School's out. Summer in. What am I gonna do with all that free time? Well I've got a couple classes I'll be taking during the summer. They'll be easy and quick.  Maybe a couple hours a day for a month. I also want to learn the guitar. I want to get back into song writing, drawing, and story writing. I'll definetly be sharing my works! Videogames are on a high priority list. I also want to include some exercise since I've been sitting and doing more sitting all year in school. Bike-riding, hiking, swimming, and running are just a few activities on my agenda along with sports like crazy. I've got some singing and instumental obligations to attend to and some trips to foreign places. In addition, I've still got a room to clean out (my messy bedroom) and a big list of books to read and movies to watch. It all begins tomorrow! I'll be busy sure, but still bored. Hopefully friends can help with that.

That dear boy is going to be the death of me. How is it your eyes are sparkling when you are mad? How do you look so sweet? How did I get to you again when all was lost? The world is full of miracles it seems. How my prayers have been answered! How much good luck can one person contain? Why do you love me universe? Oh how wonderful a life!

Ah summer, soon innocense will be lost, hearts broken, dreams shattered. Yet it's the funnest time of our lives. Love ya summer!

Day 16- Thank You, This Life Was Great

I've given off all of my emotion. It's gone now. I feel like I've just woken up from a car crash. The tension built up until the moment of impact when everything went black. Now I'm calm, emotionless, empty. Like tabula rasa, it's time to start anew. I've been given the chance to be reborn. The question is now, will I take that opportunity?

To you, I speak to you, only you. You're an angel. You were sweet and still are. How did I end up with a friend like you? You make me feel wanted and special, like something you look forward to seeing. You hurt when I hurt. You cry when I cry. You smile when I smile and laugh when I laugh. You're a true friend. I beat myself up and thus beat you up by extension. I hurt you. How could I when you have given me nothing but kindness? I am telling you now. I realize how wonderful you are now. I see what you have done for me. I know the pain you now go through for me. Has anyone ever done something like that for me? No. Only you. That is why I love you, though I never saw it before, though I never knew just exactly why. I am telling you now, thank you.

You were my miracle that made the sun shine when the sky was gray, turning darker. You made me feel completely content with myself. Then and only then was the moment of defeat. The world sighed a moment of peace with sadness and anger vanquished forever. True, it's back, but could anyone else have done that for me? You gave me breathing room and it's time to take advantage of that. Just like you wanted, I'll stand in the light again. No, I won't hang my head as I walk, I'll hold it high. I won't hold my stomach and try hard to make myself invisible. I'll stand tall and smile, yes smile again. I'll let my strength show, I'll step into the spotlight. I'll shine, just like you wanted. Thank you.

I'll now move on. You know the strength I hold. Only you thought I'd pull through. Only you knew I'd pull through. You were right. Now it's my turn to help you. No more me, myself, and I. No more selfishness. It's all about you now. I want to help you. Give me your hand, I'll take away your pain. I'll be there for you forever. It's the least I can do for all you've done for me. Ask me for anything, I'll deliver. I love you always, but better now. Thank you.

Thank you.

Day 15- Jay, the Ray of Sunlight

The weather is beautiful, summer is dawning, my life is drowning. Jay still doesn't seem to realize the significance of who I am. He also seems not to know what my feelings are for him now and just cannot take hints, no matter how obvious. He jumps right to the wrong conclusion and you can never get in a proper argument with that boy, yet I seem to have imprinted on him anyway. Like the ball on a paddle-ball game, I'm attached to a string and I just bounce right back. I know, it seems obsessive, but how can I help it? I follow my heart.

I still find it difficult to get up in the morning to face the world. Even people I don't know very well recognize the signs of my pain and can figure that something is wrong. I'm tired when I've had plenty of sleep, I recently became ill for no reason at all, I find no joy in activities that would've given me a mile-wide smile before. I fake smile and give a laugh here and there. It's enough to keep most people from worrying about me too much, but my friends suspect all too well. It's just Jay that can't see how much pain I'm in.

I guess I'm a better actor than I thought to hide it so well from Jay. Yet I think the main reason he doesn't suspect is because he really can make me smile for real. It hurts to remember that he loves someone else, but when I'm with him I forget all that. He can make me feel wonderful again and I can really laugh. The stress drains away and leaves behind a cleansed, soft-spoken girl with no energy left to fight him. But when he leaves, the pain rushes back even sharper than before. It's not healthy to continue to live like this. What I need is to isolate myself from  him and form a clean break, but what I want is just the opposite. It's hard to fight when his eyes can melt me like the sun. He is literally the sun's rays in my life.

My friends have been trying to help with some activities that are super fun. Normally, I am an easy to please, smiley, and agreeable person who laughs at everything. Those qualities just got knocked right out of me. Now those activities are nothing. I just want my Jay back. I hug him, but it's like hugging a log, there's no feeling left in him for me. He views me as a good friend, but I only see him for a short while every other day and I freak out on the inside every time he touches my hand, but for him, there is no feeling. How could a week away from me in another state turn everything upside down?

I've been getting better at living with the pain. I can at least grin and bear it at times, although it feels more like a grimace. The pain is not so pulsing and sharp, but rather dull and aching. I know I'll live like this for a long time, I just can't get out of this love triangle so easily. I guess the pain will just become a part of my life, like living with cancer, I'll get used to it. Jay it's just like I say to you, "I hate you," and you reply, "yet you love me."

Day 14- The Hurt Is Like a Mirror

I've never felt this way before. I hear all the time about heart-break being a terrible experience. I never knew until now just how terrible it is. You go around holding your stomach, feeling like you're constantly gonna be sick. Your limbs are cold and your head is hot. Your heart feels like it's being ripped from your chest, but it never leaves, no matter how much you want your heart gone. There's a metallic taste in your mouth and throat that you just can't get rid of. If you don't die from wanting your love back soon, then you're gonna end up killing them instead from all the pain they cause.

It's all because of Jay. Why is it that only now do I realize that he was more than just a boy to me. He was my life's motivation, my something, my nothing, my everything, and my one thing. When I woke up in the morning and didn't want to get up, his image got me out of bed, just to see him... hear from him. I felt the need to be better, to improve myself constantly. I tried to make sure my hair and face were perfect before seeing him, yet I still felt embarrassed by my own looks as compared to his. I began to draw and write, all for him. I wanted to improve musically and practiced all the time and sang as if he were there in front of me. Now I can't get out of bed without feeling the pain. I can barely take care of myself.

It was just a week ago that he called me "dear." Just a week ago that he hugged me and promised to come over. Just a week that we could talk freely and trust every word we said to each other. Where did that go? I pushed him away. I tried to de-attach myself from him and tried to find someone else. I should've remembered that he's not like Jacoby, Evan, and Jack. They follow me around like loyal dogs. No matter how much I hurt them, they just come back more forcefully than ever (and more in love). He's different. I shouldn't have hurt him. I didn't think he would move on so soon. I wasn't prepared. How fast love comes! How fast love leaves...

It's sunny outside now. Beautiful green leaves sway in the breeze. Flowers grow in neon colors. I don't notice. Everything reminds me of Jay. I'm a dead weight and I never go out. I feel like I'm in a hole and will never see the light of the sun again. Even now, I sit close to my bed, in case I collapse. I've never been one to be weak, I was always the strong one who caried others on my shoulders. Now I'm the one who needs a crutch, but no one comes.

Jay I wish you were here. I stare in the mirror to see my ruined face, dried tear streaks on my cheeks, my hair in a knotted mess. I've cried so much my skin is dry. Now I have no tears left and I'm a hollow shell. I see the hurt reflecting back my face like a mirror. I've become the personification of a zombie. Jay, can you do something for me? Kill the zombie. Crack the mirror. Give me something to stare at besides myself. The hurt is like a mirror.

Day 13- The Bird That Lost Its Wings

Wow! School's been rough these past few weeks. I'm finally through most of my finals and can get back into the swing of things including my writing. I know I should write about my pets, but something bigger has recently happened in my life and that event takes first priority. For those who don't know, my writing is my reprieve from emotion. Sometimes our emotions can get the best of us, carrying us too far into despair. My writing is the best way to express my emotions. It's like someone you can talk to, a shoulder to lean on. That brings me to the subject of my writing, that missing shoulder to lean on.

Jay is my best friend. Or he was... We did everything together. I remember that first day in January when our friendship turned into something so much more. He came over to my place to watch a movie, just like friends would do. Sitting on my couch,  he pulled my head gently to his shoulder and there I stayed for the rest of the movie. I don't remember much of the movie, only the sweet scent of his skin and the warmth of his body. I'm sure he thought of it like a sister-brother thing because we really were family by that time, but I thought of it as so much more.

At the time, he had a girlfriend still, but I was determined to change that. From that point on, I used my renowned patience and skill to slowly wear him down. Several texting conversations later and a lot of cheesy comments, I had won him. (Honestly, I had no doubts I would get him.) I had loved him since August so it was a cherished moment to finally win his heart after months of being ripped apart every time he talked about his girlfriend.  Yes, I feel really bad about breaking them apart. They really were perfect for each other. But I wanted him too badly and I made some rash mistakes. Even though I really don't have the capacity to cry, I cry now to think how much I hurt her.

But crying must inevitably bow down to laughter and joy. That first night we were finally together was a dream come true and so much more. For a week, we saw each other as often as we could and just held each other, listening to our hearts beat in our chests and in my case, trying to convince myself that he was mine and I was his. That he was a real person, a real person who loved me, little, insignificant me.Every time I saw him, my heart skipped several beats and then pounded with the intensity of a thunderstorm. My eyes drooped when he held me in his arms, there was no need for words, I feared they might ruin the pure ecstasy I felt.

He wanted to kiss me. My lips tried their best to reach his, but my brain held back each time. How can you trust a boy when so many have let you down? Then, I gave in. It was the moment of complete trust, at last I was HIS. He wasn't mine, I wasn't the controller. I was HIS and I would do anything to keep it that way. He was gentle, I thought from that moment, he is a gentleman and will do anything to keep me just like I would do anything to keep him. It wasn't meant to be...

When weeks go by without visiting each other, and Valentine's Day comes and goes without a single present or any action that's new, just the same boring holding hands and talking, a girl can get a little paranoid. I got frustrated. I didn't feel the same way as in that first week. Why wasn't he like those wonderful football players? They cheat all the time sure, but at least they fake it really well. I wondered, did I even like him anymore?

We broke apart for so many reasons I can't explain, I hurt him. I hurt her. I hurt everyone. I hurt myself. The first few days apart were torture. I wanted him back. I told myself, "You've got to be strong Sky. You're not good enough for him, he needs to get back with his real love. Because you're not her.You've got to be mean to him so he can stop loving you." How I regret those words now.

He did forget me. He left me behind without a second glance. He found a new girl... my friend. I was supposed to be happy for him. I am happy he's happy, and I knew that I would hurt, but I thought I would've moved on by now and found someone else. But, no. It took this long to figure out what I had. It took this long and a new girl to see what he meant to me, what he still means to me. How could I be so selfish? Why didn't I remember how hard I worked to get him until it was too late? Now I've missed my chance. I'll never get him back. Everyone knows you can't get a good thing twice. I was lucky to get it once.

Now not a day goes by that I don't dream of us together again. My body aches to be held, but not just by anyone. No one was as perfect as he. Despite all his flaws and all the hurts I suffered with him, it hurts far more to be away. My favorite memory of us lingers bitter-sweet in his wake. There we are on his couch. Me, lying on his chest, my arms wrapped around his back, my cheek pressed to his heart. He squeezed me tight until my eyes bugged out and in his actions he seemed to say, "we'll never be apart, my princess." He called me beautiful, pretty, hot, cute, and amazing. Will I ever trust those words again?

He deserves to read these words. It is about him after all. He won't take me back. I don't expect him to. I just want to tell him the truth. You were always truthful. I've lied to you. I hope this puts it right. We're even at last.

I'll be here, ask me for any help. I'm still here to give. I'm a bird that's lost its wings and I will never fly away. I'm still here.

Day 12- Out There

It's been some time since I've written. Homework is stacking up and now that the cold is gone, I also have to do some yard work. I feel like I can never have a moment to just relax. There are huge shadows under my eyes from sleep deprivation, but I can't catch up on my sleep. I just have too much to do and some of my work carries into the night. I hold on to the slight ray of hope that lights my future. In just 3 weeks, I'll have a little more breathing room and some freetime to do whatever I want. Less work, more sleep, and maybe some videogames with my crazy brothers.

Now that it's finally warm outside, I feel the need to be out there constantly. Biking and running are some of my favorite past-times and I just don't have the time to do either. For once in my life, I'm thankful to go outside during the weekends to do yardwork. It's hard work, but at least I get to be inside and not trapped in my room, staring out at the barren trees and dead plants. Outside has become even more of a haven and a quiet corner just to relax and catch up on my assignments. I thank Mother Nature for her generosity and I pray that  she'll continue to be kind for the coming days.

Even with all the tests coming up and the overload of work, I just do not feel stressed. How can I when it's so beautiful out and I feel like everything's going right? If you ever have had one of those days, you know exactly what I mean. It's like holding a delicious icecream cone in your hand for each waking minute of your day. Mmmm.....

I look outside the window every morning now and as I stand there in awe, one might hear me say, "Don't worry, I'll be out there soon. You don't need to wait long, trees. Just a few more weeks." I believe each word and hold myself true to my word. If I'm not out there soon, I'll scream. And for anyone who knows me, screaming would be an accomplishment. Just keep being patient Sky.... you'll pull through. You always do.

Day 11- Girls to Guys

School's almost over. Just need to hang on these last few weeks and get through finals. Think I can do it? Stress is piling up, but a sense of relaxation and distraction keeps coming over me. I can't concentrate on work with such good weather outside. It already feels like summer... However, I need to get back into the swing of things.

We also had prom recently. It was a big day for me. My date was... guess who? Jack! It was a very pleasant day and Jack made the whole thing super fun for me. We are now really good friends and I'm keeping him in mind as a future life partner. Plus he's taller than me which is really a big accomplishment. One appreciates a guy who can sweep her off her feet, literally. He is just the right amount of funny and serious and understands just what we girls like.

For future reference guys, I've compiled a list of do's when it comes to treating girls:

1. PLAN!! We enjoy spending time with you guys, but we expect you to make the first move. Sorry, it's just a traditional thing and you're gonna have to get used to it. Ask us out on dates or just to hang out at your place. We don't mind where or when or what we do so long as we are doing it with you.

2. Talk. I know we girls are known far and wide for our ability to talk, but we'd appreciate it if you carry the conversation sometimes. Even our unsatiable voice-boxes can get tired and yes, our ingenious minds can run out of things to say. Start with simple questions about us or to make it even easier on you, just answer our questions, but not with one word answers. Tell us a story or ramble. We certainly won't mind and we want to get to know you better.

3. Be considerate of our needs. I know this one may be tricky, but girls don't always want to kiss all the time or go on more formal dates. We have the most fun when we're doing some of our favorite hobbies or running around and laughing our heads off, basically what we normally do everyday. Do something that you would normally do with your sister (besides teasing). Maybe she even likes sports or videogames, but again make sure we're doing something that we're comfortable with. Yes, we girls will do many things to please you because we are that amazing, but if you really like her, you'll do many things to please her.

4. Don't show off. Usually it just embarrasses you. It works better if you just be yourself. Still try to impress her of course. We can get bored pretty easily with the same person everyday. Vary it up and do't be afraid to express your opinions, unless she really happens to hate your oppinion.

5. Be a gentleman. Walk us to our door. Hold a door open for us. Pull out our chair for us. Offer to take our jacket. Don't assume we know where to go or what to do with our stuff. Although most girls prefer to do things on their own. A little help here and there is appreciated. Of course above all, NEVER assume that we girls are weak. Often, we are far stronger than we appear. It is better to have a mutual relationship than a controlling one and you are not the boss in the relationship. Work together, be best friends, and be willing to listen and support her, even if she complains a little excessively.

Thanks for all you do guys. I still feel like we girls have it tougher than you, but we appreciate you making our lives easier. Keep smiling!

Day 10- What Goes Around, Comes Around

Easter was beautiful. As usual, Easter is a big holiday in my family and gifts were exchanged kind of like a second Christmas. I'm not much of a greedy person, but even if I was, I would've gotten everything I have ever wanted, minus a car. Those are expensive, obviously. However, I got some sweet electronic add-ons and giftcards galore. I have everything I've ever wanted (I've never really wanted a lot) so what now? I see what they mean when they say the richest man on earth can't be happy. I guess sharing my material wealth with others and spreading my love is the best course of action. The more you give, the more you get.

I suppose there is one thing I could want besides a car. Yep, you can guess what it is. A boyfriend. I know, cheesy. But almost every girl on the planet knows how hard it is to get a boy that is perfect. Unfortunately, I've not met anyone that lives up to my high standards. Jay comes pretty close, but I promised myself I wouldn't go back down that path until I've explored more options. We'll see how the "love life" turns out.

Now I'm back in school after the weekend. The school halls are crowded and noisy compared to my more secluded house. My favorite spot to do homework is still outside in the sun, in my backyard. It's the most peaceful and rejuvinating spot I've ever encountered. Listening to the breeze lightly rustle through the grass and leaves of the shady trees... it's music. And now that the sun has finally decided to show its face after the colder days of last month, I'm taking full advantage of the heat, maybe get some color back into my way too pale skin.

I've got new clothes, a new haircut, and a new style altogether. It makes me feel like I'm no longer a hermit living under a rock for decades. I'm back into the new styles and even now, I'm attracting a few more respectful glances from boys and girls alike. Sky's out to compete!

Still, despite all the new, new, new, it feels old and monotonous. I suppose that just means that my big life moment hasn't happened yet. When it does, I imagine it will be incredible, I'll be unstoppable, and no day will ever be the same again. It will be fun and important, just like my childhood fantasies of being president or flying. It will be momentous and spectacular. And hey, might as well share a bit of my time with others as well. All a day in the life of Sky.

Day 9- Never Forget

I took a glance out my window this morning only to find a fresh new layer of snow. It's a harsh reminder that Nature's got other plans than to let the sun shine forever. I normally love the snow, but this late in the year is just riduculous. It's unfortunate that you can't wish away the snow with willpower. If we could, I would've cleared the snow hours ago.

It reminds me of the dreams I had last night. It's been a long time since I've had such vivid dreams. I used to have them all the time. I guess I stopped having them after I became obsessed with Jay. When everyday life is like a dream, your mind thinks you don't need any at night. Now that the daydreams are gone, the night ones can come back. I can't say I'm terribly thrilled to be rid of my daydreams, but I'm still quite eager for the night dreams because they allow me to escape the dreariness and monotony of the real world. It's a wonderful experience to exist in a completely different world in which you are the master. I like the feel of the power since life in the day is out of control.

I've got work piling on. Not just physically, but the mental stress is also piling up. I'm going to spend the next few days squeezing in as much time to work as possible. It's really too bad I don't have many more distractions left. That just leaves me with one option: do my work. It's an option I've been jumping through hoops to avoid. Now that it's staring me right in the face, all I can do is sigh and get to work.

Maybe as a result of seeing the snow, I've been experiencing some flashbacks. Stuff that I thought was long forgotten is now flashing back, more bittersweet and permanent than before. Though it hurts to remind myself of the mistakes I've made, I have a feeling these flashbacks will be very beneficial in the next few days. Perhaps they'll keep me from making any more mind boggling mess-ups.

Among those memories stands a very clear and sharp reminder, the recent passing of a dearly loved family member. I feel sad, but I also remember all the happiness we had together. I stand a living witness of how fragile life is. We must live each day to it's full potential and squeeze out each special moment so that when we pass on, we have no regrets, only peace. Never forget how special each moment is and cherish it close to your heart.

Day8- Sky's the Limit

You know when you get that sudden source of inspiration? You sort of feel like you can fly if you want to. You feel like you can be or do anything you want to. The sky's the limit. The tricky part is keeping that inspiration fresh on your mind so you can carry it into anything you might find yourself doing each day. Lucky for me, my inspiration is music, singing, dancing, any of that.

Today I witnessed a wonderful, truly inspirational performance by some unknown singers. They're all young, inexperienced, and incredibly talented. Seeing those young people succeed really inspires me to do great things. I felt so pumped and energetic right after the show. I could've touched the stars!

Tomorrow I'm going to make good use of my readily available inspiration. Just plug in my iPod and we'll see where it takes me. Perhaps I could be productive and get all of my work done. Or not. Maybe I'll just be hyper outside or work on my flexibility. Or maybe I'll pursue my dream of becoming a professional writer or singer. Oh to be given a job like that! I'd be happy to quit school if I were presented with such an opportunity.

It's nice to know where I find this inspiration. Not just music, but reading and watching movies often gives me ideas. Or just sitting outside in the sun, listening to the breeze lightly ruffle through the grass. Nature is a wonderful inspiration as countless artists have discovered before my time. It's nice to know nature can give me the same feelings of calm and serenity.

I finally feel free to do what I want. I still have many obligations I must attend to each day, but it's great to have a little breathing room here and there in which I can develop my talents. I plan on taking full advantage of that in the morning. Although I am incredibly saddened still by my loss of Jay, my little hobbies are helping to distract me. I'm quite proud to be able to say that I've gone through this whole ordeal without shedding a tear. It just shows how quickly I can recover and how strong I really am. This is why I believe that only in times of trouble can we see what a person is really worth.

Day 7- Sky Blue Chapter

It's the ending of an era and the dawning of the new. I can't say I'm happy to enter this next part of my life. It's good to move on to a new chapter. It will bring more good, more surprises and adventures. I will cry my tears tonight and brave a smile tomorrow. The world will right itself.

Yes it means I've finally set Jay free. Not that he knew he was ever captured. It's just my imagining. He was mine in my own head and now I will let him move on to any other life he may choose. But of course I will always remain his best friend. Not even a new chapter in my life can change that. I will always love him, but in a different way now.

When I was little, I thought that I was special. That maybe I had a super power like flying or reading minds. I thought I would have a very unique and wonderful future like maybe becomming the president. Now that I am older, I realize that's probably not the case, but I haven't given up on making my future amazing and awesome. Maybe I won't get a miracle, but I can certainly work hard to make it good myself.

I will find that perfect boy, that one I'll be willing to spend my life with. I just have to work to make it so. Who knows? Maybe it will be Even or Jack or Jacoby. Maybe it will be Jay. Maybe it will be someone far better than I deserve. The future holds marvelous surprises. I will trust this and wait for what the future has in store for me.

True, this new chapter promises to be glorious. Still I can't keep my past out of mind. I will try to concentrate on this new world in which I spend more time with Jacoby and Evan. A world in which I buy wonderful dresses and try new and wonderous things. It gives me joy that I can bring my old experiences into this next part of my life. Maybe I will find my happily ever after, after all.

Day 6- The World's a Little Tighter

I don't know what to feel anymore. I think that I've lost interest in Jay completely, but everytime I try to put what I feel into words, it always reminds me that a tiny bit of my heart is still attached to him. It's best to move on, but it's also hard to move on. Sometimes we must choose between what is right and what is easy. I've got to start taking the hard road because in the end, it will lead to the most happiness.

I've started on the path of my dreaded recession back to my old ways, yet, it's an entirely new path. All the talents I wanted to create and build on, all the activities I thought I wasn't good enough at, turns out I was really good at all of those things once upon a time, but I gave them up for other pursuits. Now I'm going back down the familiar path and it feels warm and inviting.

Add on to my list of players, Jacoby. A hard choice still lies ahead as to who to choose, but I have no love interest yet while I am forced to break my own heart. Truly, the cruelest thing anyone can do to you is break your heart and it's even worse to break your own. Yet I know that Time will heal these wounds and others will fill the gaps. I know I will have scars in the future, but so much more knoledge and experience. I look forward to sharing it with others to help them down their own difficult paths.

Oh Jay, you make this hard for me. Not even Evan, Jack, and Jacoby can replace you, but I know it's time to release you. I've lived in my lies and sorrow for far too long and I know a better life awaits. Don't take it too hard on yourself. Please. It's better for us both. Love you forever and always.

The world's a little tighter. It's simultaneously holding me close to it's heart and pushing me into a dark box, far away from light and joy. Oh World, you cruel thing you. Help guide me away from this dead end. It's time to start anew.

Day 5- Band-Aids Really Can Help

I shed off the sad Sky. I woke up new and ready. It doesn't mean that I'm going to like doing homework this next week, but I suppose I can now muster up enough energy to do it. I even got a hair cut and it makes me feel so much lighter and freer. I can't wait until the next gust of wind to run outside and let my hair blow in the wind. I'm even well rested so I can go out and party some more. It's a new week, maybe I can even catch Jay's attention.

I've realized that I do actually understand technology better than I thought. With all the fancy new computer, cell phone, and iPod technology out there, I just can't seem to keep up. I've been working on personalizing all my high-tech gadgets all weekend and I'm satisfied at last. I just keep having feelings that life is great. It must be all the radio hits I've been listening to lately. They really put me in a positive mood. As always reading and cleaning are my escapes.

I've also been trying to develop my talents even more. I've been doodling and sketching more and even writing new stories. Maybe I can share them with more people than just my best friends. I also have a sudden craving to learn the piano, guitar, and oboe. Can it be possible to play that many instruments? With the summer break coming up in a few months, I can hardly wait to get a jump start on all these new talents.

I see Jay again tomorrow. I'm nervous after not talking to him for a while. I hope he's okay with my new haircut. I wonder what I can do during my special hour with him. If I read will it make me look smarter? If I do homework, will he think I'm a jerk? If I play music or games on my iPod, will he think I'm a gamer and technologically advanced? Maybe I should just talk with my friends like usual and be myself. That's the obvious choice isn't it? I just don't know what to act like around him anymore.

We'll just see what tomorrow brings. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty good. I sure hope so anyway. I'm looking forward to waking up early. Is that a good sign? Maybe I really am not a typical teenage girl. I need some advice from my friends. How should I act to be more attractive, both my looks and personality without changing who I am inside?

Day 4- A Dark and Stormy Day

It's gray outside and I can't seem to get my mood up. I haven't talked to Jay for 3 days now and I'm suffering from lack of Jay. That must be a disease. Jay-idis or something like that. I'm on top of my homework, but I still worry that I'm missing something. I've just finished a 500 page book in two days. That must be a new record. My emotions are dull however, from reading it and I'm kind of regretting it. I'm cold and my hair isn't cooperating again. Tomorrow I've got to do something about it.

I hope I can get out of this mood. It's messing up the positive attitude I've had for the last few days and I don't think I can afford another recession. I've been changing things like crazy and yet I still can't get rid of some old habits that keep coming back to bite me. I need to turn this page in the book of my life, but I've got glue or something on my hands and I just can't let go. I just want to poor water on the book and start over, but I know that won't be very productive. Time is life (and money).

Now that it's the last term of the year, I know from experience that it will be a struggle to finish out the year. I'm going to need a miracle to help me get through and it better hurry up and come sooner rather than later. Even though I'm not very superstitious, I can see why people are. I'd believe anything right now just to keep my hopes up. Maybe a shooting star, a genie, a leprechaun, anything, will appear to me and grant me wishes. Please?

I lost momentary interest in Jack and Evan in a desperate, all-out attempt to get Jay back. I've been plagued by so many memories of us, the first time we met, the first time he came over to my house, the first time he said my name, so many are good so why are the recent memories bad? I've got to fix that, but right now I'm not sure how.

Can anybody help me out there? I look up at the clouds and give my last plea to the sky. A tiny splotch of blue peeks through the storm clouds. My favorite color. A tiny spark of hope flashes across my green eyes. Sky hasn't given up and neither have I.

Day 3- Some New Players

I've been looking forward to this day all week. An hour alone with Jay before classes. This may not sound like much, but it's harder to find time to spend with Jay than with some of my other friends. I look around anxiously, wondering why he hasn't met up with me yet. Finally I give up. He isn't coming. I head off with some of my other friends and we spend the hour laughing and talking, yet there's a part of me that clings to the hope that Jay will come.

Then I see him. He gives me a quick hug, but leaves shortly thereafter. I can't believe it. Something's up with Jay, I know it. I wonder, is it his family? Perhaps it's another girl. No. I refuse to believe that. I've liked him for more than half a year now and I can't stand the thought of him liking someone else. I mean, we're best friends. You'd think he'd notice me and all the things I do to try to get him to like me. I'm sure he just needs some space. I can't be selfish and claim his soul as mine to control. He has a life away from me and I should respect that. But still... I wonder...

With every new day my mind feels more and more like a chess game. The person I really am, the girl full of potential and greatness, perhaps conspiring to be famous one day, is the king. No matter which techniques and pieces I use, I still can't get to that elusive king. I catch glimpses of him and sometimes I even feel as though I've caught him, but he still manages to escape my clutches. I've used far too many minor pieces in my moves, it's time to pull out the queen. Perhaps her superior power can finally overwhelm the king's protective forces.

As I play this game, trying hard to see the way, I face many opponents. Many are just like the one that came before. Easy to beat and to see through their actions. Yet I've come across some new players recently. A couple in particular have captured my attention. Their names are Jack and Evan and they are like none I've ever seen. Their moves are surprising and pleasant and at last I am enjoying the game again. They have been able to penetrate some of my defenses, they are now delving deeper into my mind than most. They see me for who I am. Even parts that I cannot see myself. I like this new feed of information. For above all, information is power. Perhaps they can lead me down the right path in my mind, the one that leads to discovery.

These new players make me excited for what is to come. Yet an old friend still haunts my dreams. If I cannot get out of the past, will I ever be able to see my future? And what of Jay? I am growing impatient of waiting for Jay to find himself again and to finally like me back. Maybe I should look for someone else, more reliable. Can Evan and Jack fill that empty space in my heart? They are what I'm looking for, but only Time, in the end, will solve this dilemma.

Day 2- Changing Sky

It is Monday. Usually it's the worst day of the week. Plus I got to bed a little late last night. I even had to skip my favorite breakfast cereal in order to get to school on time. I am now wearing one of my least favorite outfits, my hair isn't cooperating, and I can't concentrate properly.Why then, do I have such a positive attitude? This is not like me at all.

We watch a movie in history. So far the day's off to a good start. Again, I ask myself, why? They serve one of my favorite lunches today in the cafeteria. At this point, I am starting to think I am dreaming. It all seems too suspicious to be real.

Jay wanders around with me at lunch. He seems to be a bit more playful today and I can't resist hugging him, perhaps a little more than he wants. Yet his mind still seems to be on other things. I have to wonder, what is he thinking about? In science class, he seems tired, wary, and even tries to ignore me when I poke his back. Why is that?

Back at home, I have no obligations, just me and a bunch of free time. When does this ever happen to me besides today? I enjoy my leisure time by watching youtube videos, listening to all my favorite songs, and going crazy outside. For some reason I have a rare burst of energy that carries me from one activity to the next at rapid speed. I even attempt a cartwheel. I never have this much energy. I find myself thinking yet again, why?

The big question today, as I'm sure you know, is why? Why, why why?

Then I know. Just a few days ago I decided Sky was going to change for the better because there are so many things I wish I can change. Just deciding I was going to get better seems to have helped my life out. I guess having a positive attitude really does help. Oh wonderful. That means my mom was right. I hate it when she's right!

Well it looks like I've got the extra energy change down. I'm going to keep it up. However, I've still got a long way to go. For now I must wait and see what tomorrow's changes bring.

Day 1- A Little Bit About Sky

I stagger slowly up the hall, my eyes and feet heavy, leaning slightly forward to counterbalance the gigantic weight on my back that is my bag. I remember stuffing all my binders and a textbook as neatly as I could into my backpack the previous night, but it still looks lumpy and unsightly today. My outfit and lengthy blonde hair are a mess. My arms are hanging limply by my side. I have deep shadows under my eyes from staying up late, writing.

I love writing. Short stories, the beginning chapters of mystery or adventure novels, poems, plays, anything I want to write, but I am paying for it now. I didn't get any homework done and am now secretly hoping to finish it in the remaining minutes before the first bell rings. No such luck today, however. I am frantically scanning a study guide, praying I can cram a few more words into my brain, when I glance up. Oh great. Jay Lyndon is walking towards me.

Jay is my best friend and secret crush. He has brown skin that contrasts sharply with my own pale white skin. His black hair sticks up in wavy curls. He always wears jackets of varying styles and today he has on a soft blue one, my favorite color, and some nice dark jeans that look like they are fresh off the rack of a fashionable clothing store. He flashes his bright white smile as he comes closer.

I reluctantly put the study guide into my backpack and put on a fake smile for Jay. He doesn't even bother to hug me like he usually does as he comes up. That's alright. I don't much feel like it today anyway. We keep walking up the halls of our high school. We don't talk much, but I'm okay with that. My mind and mouth aren't exactly on the same page at the moment.

We stand together by my friend's locker as she put a few things away. Afterwards, we stand quietly and Jay pokes me. He knows it bugs me, but lately, every boy and girl seems to be doing it to each other as a greeting in the halls. I secretly hope it means he likes me back. At last the bell rings and Jay walks with me past my class. Once outside my classroom, he gives me a hug. I don't give him anything in return.

The rest of the day passes all too slowly. Why is it that every day is the same? Get up, get ready, go to school. I long for a new day. A time where I can be free. A time where I can finally be myself. This tired version of Sky, who barely hangs on to conscienceness and stumbles through each class, is not me.

Then I say to myself, "Why not change that?" A smile slowly creeps up my tired cheeks. I can change my life. I can make it better, more fun, more interesting. I start walking faster on my way home. Tomorrow, the world will see the real Sky.