The weather is beautiful, summer is dawning, my life is drowning. Jay still doesn't seem to realize the significance of who I am. He also seems not to know what my feelings are for him now and just cannot take hints, no matter how obvious. He jumps right to the wrong conclusion and you can never get in a proper argument with that boy, yet I seem to have imprinted on him anyway. Like the ball on a paddle-ball game, I'm attached to a string and I just bounce right back. I know, it seems obsessive, but how can I help it? I follow my heart.
I still find it difficult to get up in the morning to face the world. Even people I don't know very well recognize the signs of my pain and can figure that something is wrong. I'm tired when I've had plenty of sleep, I recently became ill for no reason at all, I find no joy in activities that would've given me a mile-wide smile before. I fake smile and give a laugh here and there. It's enough to keep most people from worrying about me too much, but my friends suspect all too well. It's just Jay that can't see how much pain I'm in.
I guess I'm a better actor than I thought to hide it so well from Jay. Yet I think the main reason he doesn't suspect is because he really can make me smile for real. It hurts to remember that he loves someone else, but when I'm with him I forget all that. He can make me feel wonderful again and I can really laugh. The stress drains away and leaves behind a cleansed, soft-spoken girl with no energy left to fight him. But when he leaves, the pain rushes back even sharper than before. It's not healthy to continue to live like this. What I need is to isolate myself from him and form a clean break, but what I want is just the opposite. It's hard to fight when his eyes can melt me like the sun. He is literally the sun's rays in my life.
My friends have been trying to help with some activities that are super fun. Normally, I am an easy to please, smiley, and agreeable person who laughs at everything. Those qualities just got knocked right out of me. Now those activities are nothing. I just want my Jay back. I hug him, but it's like hugging a log, there's no feeling left in him for me. He views me as a good friend, but I only see him for a short while every other day and I freak out on the inside every time he touches my hand, but for him, there is no feeling. How could a week away from me in another state turn everything upside down?
I've been getting better at living with the pain. I can at least grin and bear it at times, although it feels more like a grimace. The pain is not so pulsing and sharp, but rather dull and aching. I know I'll live like this for a long time, I just can't get out of this love triangle so easily. I guess the pain will just become a part of my life, like living with cancer, I'll get used to it. Jay it's just like I say to you, "I hate you," and you reply, "yet you love me."
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