I've never felt this way before. I hear all the time about heart-break being a terrible experience. I never knew until now just how terrible it is. You go around holding your stomach, feeling like you're constantly gonna be sick. Your limbs are cold and your head is hot. Your heart feels like it's being ripped from your chest, but it never leaves, no matter how much you want your heart gone. There's a metallic taste in your mouth and throat that you just can't get rid of. If you don't die from wanting your love back soon, then you're gonna end up killing them instead from all the pain they cause.
It's all because of Jay. Why is it that only now do I realize that he was more than just a boy to me. He was my life's motivation, my something, my nothing, my everything, and my one thing. When I woke up in the morning and didn't want to get up, his image got me out of bed, just to see him... hear from him. I felt the need to be better, to improve myself constantly. I tried to make sure my hair and face were perfect before seeing him, yet I still felt embarrassed by my own looks as compared to his. I began to draw and write, all for him. I wanted to improve musically and practiced all the time and sang as if he were there in front of me. Now I can't get out of bed without feeling the pain. I can barely take care of myself.
It was just a week ago that he called me "dear." Just a week ago that he hugged me and promised to come over. Just a week that we could talk freely and trust every word we said to each other. Where did that go? I pushed him away. I tried to de-attach myself from him and tried to find someone else. I should've remembered that he's not like Jacoby, Evan, and Jack. They follow me around like loyal dogs. No matter how much I hurt them, they just come back more forcefully than ever (and more in love). He's different. I shouldn't have hurt him. I didn't think he would move on so soon. I wasn't prepared. How fast love comes! How fast love leaves...
It's sunny outside now. Beautiful green leaves sway in the breeze. Flowers grow in neon colors. I don't notice. Everything reminds me of Jay. I'm a dead weight and I never go out. I feel like I'm in a hole and will never see the light of the sun again. Even now, I sit close to my bed, in case I collapse. I've never been one to be weak, I was always the strong one who caried others on my shoulders. Now I'm the one who needs a crutch, but no one comes.
Jay I wish you were here. I stare in the mirror to see my ruined face, dried tear streaks on my cheeks, my hair in a knotted mess. I've cried so much my skin is dry. Now I have no tears left and I'm a hollow shell. I see the hurt reflecting back my face like a mirror. I've become the personification of a zombie. Jay, can you do something for me? Kill the zombie. Crack the mirror. Give me something to stare at besides myself. The hurt is like a mirror.
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