Day 18- Sky's Not Falling Apart After All

Turned over a new leaf. Oh no! you say. She said that before and she lied, you say. Yes, the first time, I lied. I thought it was permanent, but I never learn do I? Well I'm back. From where? From being lost. I gave up on everything I dreamed about because I gave up on everything I cared about. When you lose love, you lose life. I was nothing, but a mindless machine doing what others wanted me to do. I followed their paths, not my own. I stopped writing, reading, drawing, laughing, and most importantly, loving. I couldn't anymore. I couldn't find the motivation to care about others, I couldn't even care for myself. Six boys I've gone through like clothes. I'd wear one proudly for weeks on end before trashing him for a new style. Six may not sound like too much, but to me... they were everything. For the first time in my life I didn't know who I loved. I was left without a back-up plan. No one to get me out of bed just to see his face, no one to love me for who I am and not who I want to be. No one at all.

Then I realized the problem. I thought styles changed fast, but that I could keep up. I can't. I have to adapt to the styles and change when I've hit a dead end. They always say don't change yourself, but how can you be happy until you shed your skin? So... I did. I stretched out of the old and into the new. There's still no single boy in my life, but I don't mind so much anymore. I can keep a list again. A list of boys I think are cute and nice, etc. It feels good to know I have options. And oh! To be single! The greatest freedom in the world I think. I do at times remember the feeling of being loved so deeply. That kind of memory can never leave. But I don't want it to. It's nice to know that when I'm older and have found that perfect guy, I can settle down and have that again. For now, I'll enjoy and treasure my freedom awaiting the day when Prince Charming will chain me to his heart.

I can write again. Draw again, start again. I have so many ideas that have been hiding for so long I can't wait to set them free. Looking back, I was so much better at expressing my feelings than I thought I was. How could I give up writing just when I was starting to blossom? It'll take a while to get back up to the level I was on, but I'll work hard because I have new energy.

What brought me out of the darkness you ask? That answer's simple, and it always has been. Books. They can change your mood within minutes of reading their intoxicating words. They can change your outlook on life and start ideas that grow into so much more. Take Marx and his Communist Manifesto for instance. Perhaps we don't really like the results so much, but the implications of the book are long-lasting and echo through the ages. It started a revolution. A search for a better life. I started on the classics, slowly making my way back to simple, clean, pure, love stories. They changed my mind. I want to come into the light again. With books by my side I'll just take it one step at a time.

Look for my new stories on my new blog coming soon!

Day 17- Miracle Summer

Could there be an option? Could that be a ray of hope when before there was none? I refuse to believe it. Impossible, I said. Crazy, I said. Could it be I've received a good thing twice? My magic is strong, my will is stonger still. Yet my love is the force that moves my world. It never ceases to amaze me.

A year has finally ended. School's out. Summer in. What am I gonna do with all that free time? Well I've got a couple classes I'll be taking during the summer. They'll be easy and quick.  Maybe a couple hours a day for a month. I also want to learn the guitar. I want to get back into song writing, drawing, and story writing. I'll definetly be sharing my works! Videogames are on a high priority list. I also want to include some exercise since I've been sitting and doing more sitting all year in school. Bike-riding, hiking, swimming, and running are just a few activities on my agenda along with sports like crazy. I've got some singing and instumental obligations to attend to and some trips to foreign places. In addition, I've still got a room to clean out (my messy bedroom) and a big list of books to read and movies to watch. It all begins tomorrow! I'll be busy sure, but still bored. Hopefully friends can help with that.

That dear boy is going to be the death of me. How is it your eyes are sparkling when you are mad? How do you look so sweet? How did I get to you again when all was lost? The world is full of miracles it seems. How my prayers have been answered! How much good luck can one person contain? Why do you love me universe? Oh how wonderful a life!

Ah summer, soon innocense will be lost, hearts broken, dreams shattered. Yet it's the funnest time of our lives. Love ya summer!

Day 16- Thank You, This Life Was Great

I've given off all of my emotion. It's gone now. I feel like I've just woken up from a car crash. The tension built up until the moment of impact when everything went black. Now I'm calm, emotionless, empty. Like tabula rasa, it's time to start anew. I've been given the chance to be reborn. The question is now, will I take that opportunity?

To you, I speak to you, only you. You're an angel. You were sweet and still are. How did I end up with a friend like you? You make me feel wanted and special, like something you look forward to seeing. You hurt when I hurt. You cry when I cry. You smile when I smile and laugh when I laugh. You're a true friend. I beat myself up and thus beat you up by extension. I hurt you. How could I when you have given me nothing but kindness? I am telling you now. I realize how wonderful you are now. I see what you have done for me. I know the pain you now go through for me. Has anyone ever done something like that for me? No. Only you. That is why I love you, though I never saw it before, though I never knew just exactly why. I am telling you now, thank you.

You were my miracle that made the sun shine when the sky was gray, turning darker. You made me feel completely content with myself. Then and only then was the moment of defeat. The world sighed a moment of peace with sadness and anger vanquished forever. True, it's back, but could anyone else have done that for me? You gave me breathing room and it's time to take advantage of that. Just like you wanted, I'll stand in the light again. No, I won't hang my head as I walk, I'll hold it high. I won't hold my stomach and try hard to make myself invisible. I'll stand tall and smile, yes smile again. I'll let my strength show, I'll step into the spotlight. I'll shine, just like you wanted. Thank you.

I'll now move on. You know the strength I hold. Only you thought I'd pull through. Only you knew I'd pull through. You were right. Now it's my turn to help you. No more me, myself, and I. No more selfishness. It's all about you now. I want to help you. Give me your hand, I'll take away your pain. I'll be there for you forever. It's the least I can do for all you've done for me. Ask me for anything, I'll deliver. I love you always, but better now. Thank you.

Thank you.

Day 15- Jay, the Ray of Sunlight

The weather is beautiful, summer is dawning, my life is drowning. Jay still doesn't seem to realize the significance of who I am. He also seems not to know what my feelings are for him now and just cannot take hints, no matter how obvious. He jumps right to the wrong conclusion and you can never get in a proper argument with that boy, yet I seem to have imprinted on him anyway. Like the ball on a paddle-ball game, I'm attached to a string and I just bounce right back. I know, it seems obsessive, but how can I help it? I follow my heart.

I still find it difficult to get up in the morning to face the world. Even people I don't know very well recognize the signs of my pain and can figure that something is wrong. I'm tired when I've had plenty of sleep, I recently became ill for no reason at all, I find no joy in activities that would've given me a mile-wide smile before. I fake smile and give a laugh here and there. It's enough to keep most people from worrying about me too much, but my friends suspect all too well. It's just Jay that can't see how much pain I'm in.

I guess I'm a better actor than I thought to hide it so well from Jay. Yet I think the main reason he doesn't suspect is because he really can make me smile for real. It hurts to remember that he loves someone else, but when I'm with him I forget all that. He can make me feel wonderful again and I can really laugh. The stress drains away and leaves behind a cleansed, soft-spoken girl with no energy left to fight him. But when he leaves, the pain rushes back even sharper than before. It's not healthy to continue to live like this. What I need is to isolate myself from  him and form a clean break, but what I want is just the opposite. It's hard to fight when his eyes can melt me like the sun. He is literally the sun's rays in my life.

My friends have been trying to help with some activities that are super fun. Normally, I am an easy to please, smiley, and agreeable person who laughs at everything. Those qualities just got knocked right out of me. Now those activities are nothing. I just want my Jay back. I hug him, but it's like hugging a log, there's no feeling left in him for me. He views me as a good friend, but I only see him for a short while every other day and I freak out on the inside every time he touches my hand, but for him, there is no feeling. How could a week away from me in another state turn everything upside down?

I've been getting better at living with the pain. I can at least grin and bear it at times, although it feels more like a grimace. The pain is not so pulsing and sharp, but rather dull and aching. I know I'll live like this for a long time, I just can't get out of this love triangle so easily. I guess the pain will just become a part of my life, like living with cancer, I'll get used to it. Jay it's just like I say to you, "I hate you," and you reply, "yet you love me."

Day 14- The Hurt Is Like a Mirror

I've never felt this way before. I hear all the time about heart-break being a terrible experience. I never knew until now just how terrible it is. You go around holding your stomach, feeling like you're constantly gonna be sick. Your limbs are cold and your head is hot. Your heart feels like it's being ripped from your chest, but it never leaves, no matter how much you want your heart gone. There's a metallic taste in your mouth and throat that you just can't get rid of. If you don't die from wanting your love back soon, then you're gonna end up killing them instead from all the pain they cause.

It's all because of Jay. Why is it that only now do I realize that he was more than just a boy to me. He was my life's motivation, my something, my nothing, my everything, and my one thing. When I woke up in the morning and didn't want to get up, his image got me out of bed, just to see him... hear from him. I felt the need to be better, to improve myself constantly. I tried to make sure my hair and face were perfect before seeing him, yet I still felt embarrassed by my own looks as compared to his. I began to draw and write, all for him. I wanted to improve musically and practiced all the time and sang as if he were there in front of me. Now I can't get out of bed without feeling the pain. I can barely take care of myself.

It was just a week ago that he called me "dear." Just a week ago that he hugged me and promised to come over. Just a week that we could talk freely and trust every word we said to each other. Where did that go? I pushed him away. I tried to de-attach myself from him and tried to find someone else. I should've remembered that he's not like Jacoby, Evan, and Jack. They follow me around like loyal dogs. No matter how much I hurt them, they just come back more forcefully than ever (and more in love). He's different. I shouldn't have hurt him. I didn't think he would move on so soon. I wasn't prepared. How fast love comes! How fast love leaves...

It's sunny outside now. Beautiful green leaves sway in the breeze. Flowers grow in neon colors. I don't notice. Everything reminds me of Jay. I'm a dead weight and I never go out. I feel like I'm in a hole and will never see the light of the sun again. Even now, I sit close to my bed, in case I collapse. I've never been one to be weak, I was always the strong one who caried others on my shoulders. Now I'm the one who needs a crutch, but no one comes.

Jay I wish you were here. I stare in the mirror to see my ruined face, dried tear streaks on my cheeks, my hair in a knotted mess. I've cried so much my skin is dry. Now I have no tears left and I'm a hollow shell. I see the hurt reflecting back my face like a mirror. I've become the personification of a zombie. Jay, can you do something for me? Kill the zombie. Crack the mirror. Give me something to stare at besides myself. The hurt is like a mirror.

Day 13- The Bird That Lost Its Wings

Wow! School's been rough these past few weeks. I'm finally through most of my finals and can get back into the swing of things including my writing. I know I should write about my pets, but something bigger has recently happened in my life and that event takes first priority. For those who don't know, my writing is my reprieve from emotion. Sometimes our emotions can get the best of us, carrying us too far into despair. My writing is the best way to express my emotions. It's like someone you can talk to, a shoulder to lean on. That brings me to the subject of my writing, that missing shoulder to lean on.

Jay is my best friend. Or he was... We did everything together. I remember that first day in January when our friendship turned into something so much more. He came over to my place to watch a movie, just like friends would do. Sitting on my couch,  he pulled my head gently to his shoulder and there I stayed for the rest of the movie. I don't remember much of the movie, only the sweet scent of his skin and the warmth of his body. I'm sure he thought of it like a sister-brother thing because we really were family by that time, but I thought of it as so much more.

At the time, he had a girlfriend still, but I was determined to change that. From that point on, I used my renowned patience and skill to slowly wear him down. Several texting conversations later and a lot of cheesy comments, I had won him. (Honestly, I had no doubts I would get him.) I had loved him since August so it was a cherished moment to finally win his heart after months of being ripped apart every time he talked about his girlfriend.  Yes, I feel really bad about breaking them apart. They really were perfect for each other. But I wanted him too badly and I made some rash mistakes. Even though I really don't have the capacity to cry, I cry now to think how much I hurt her.

But crying must inevitably bow down to laughter and joy. That first night we were finally together was a dream come true and so much more. For a week, we saw each other as often as we could and just held each other, listening to our hearts beat in our chests and in my case, trying to convince myself that he was mine and I was his. That he was a real person, a real person who loved me, little, insignificant me.Every time I saw him, my heart skipped several beats and then pounded with the intensity of a thunderstorm. My eyes drooped when he held me in his arms, there was no need for words, I feared they might ruin the pure ecstasy I felt.

He wanted to kiss me. My lips tried their best to reach his, but my brain held back each time. How can you trust a boy when so many have let you down? Then, I gave in. It was the moment of complete trust, at last I was HIS. He wasn't mine, I wasn't the controller. I was HIS and I would do anything to keep it that way. He was gentle, I thought from that moment, he is a gentleman and will do anything to keep me just like I would do anything to keep him. It wasn't meant to be...

When weeks go by without visiting each other, and Valentine's Day comes and goes without a single present or any action that's new, just the same boring holding hands and talking, a girl can get a little paranoid. I got frustrated. I didn't feel the same way as in that first week. Why wasn't he like those wonderful football players? They cheat all the time sure, but at least they fake it really well. I wondered, did I even like him anymore?

We broke apart for so many reasons I can't explain, I hurt him. I hurt her. I hurt everyone. I hurt myself. The first few days apart were torture. I wanted him back. I told myself, "You've got to be strong Sky. You're not good enough for him, he needs to get back with his real love. Because you're not her.You've got to be mean to him so he can stop loving you." How I regret those words now.

He did forget me. He left me behind without a second glance. He found a new girl... my friend. I was supposed to be happy for him. I am happy he's happy, and I knew that I would hurt, but I thought I would've moved on by now and found someone else. But, no. It took this long to figure out what I had. It took this long and a new girl to see what he meant to me, what he still means to me. How could I be so selfish? Why didn't I remember how hard I worked to get him until it was too late? Now I've missed my chance. I'll never get him back. Everyone knows you can't get a good thing twice. I was lucky to get it once.

Now not a day goes by that I don't dream of us together again. My body aches to be held, but not just by anyone. No one was as perfect as he. Despite all his flaws and all the hurts I suffered with him, it hurts far more to be away. My favorite memory of us lingers bitter-sweet in his wake. There we are on his couch. Me, lying on his chest, my arms wrapped around his back, my cheek pressed to his heart. He squeezed me tight until my eyes bugged out and in his actions he seemed to say, "we'll never be apart, my princess." He called me beautiful, pretty, hot, cute, and amazing. Will I ever trust those words again?

He deserves to read these words. It is about him after all. He won't take me back. I don't expect him to. I just want to tell him the truth. You were always truthful. I've lied to you. I hope this puts it right. We're even at last.

I'll be here, ask me for any help. I'm still here to give. I'm a bird that's lost its wings and I will never fly away. I'm still here.

Day 12- Out There

It's been some time since I've written. Homework is stacking up and now that the cold is gone, I also have to do some yard work. I feel like I can never have a moment to just relax. There are huge shadows under my eyes from sleep deprivation, but I can't catch up on my sleep. I just have too much to do and some of my work carries into the night. I hold on to the slight ray of hope that lights my future. In just 3 weeks, I'll have a little more breathing room and some freetime to do whatever I want. Less work, more sleep, and maybe some videogames with my crazy brothers.

Now that it's finally warm outside, I feel the need to be out there constantly. Biking and running are some of my favorite past-times and I just don't have the time to do either. For once in my life, I'm thankful to go outside during the weekends to do yardwork. It's hard work, but at least I get to be inside and not trapped in my room, staring out at the barren trees and dead plants. Outside has become even more of a haven and a quiet corner just to relax and catch up on my assignments. I thank Mother Nature for her generosity and I pray that  she'll continue to be kind for the coming days.

Even with all the tests coming up and the overload of work, I just do not feel stressed. How can I when it's so beautiful out and I feel like everything's going right? If you ever have had one of those days, you know exactly what I mean. It's like holding a delicious icecream cone in your hand for each waking minute of your day. Mmmm.....

I look outside the window every morning now and as I stand there in awe, one might hear me say, "Don't worry, I'll be out there soon. You don't need to wait long, trees. Just a few more weeks." I believe each word and hold myself true to my word. If I'm not out there soon, I'll scream. And for anyone who knows me, screaming would be an accomplishment. Just keep being patient Sky.... you'll pull through. You always do.

Day 11- Girls to Guys

School's almost over. Just need to hang on these last few weeks and get through finals. Think I can do it? Stress is piling up, but a sense of relaxation and distraction keeps coming over me. I can't concentrate on work with such good weather outside. It already feels like summer... However, I need to get back into the swing of things.

We also had prom recently. It was a big day for me. My date was... guess who? Jack! It was a very pleasant day and Jack made the whole thing super fun for me. We are now really good friends and I'm keeping him in mind as a future life partner. Plus he's taller than me which is really a big accomplishment. One appreciates a guy who can sweep her off her feet, literally. He is just the right amount of funny and serious and understands just what we girls like.

For future reference guys, I've compiled a list of do's when it comes to treating girls:

1. PLAN!! We enjoy spending time with you guys, but we expect you to make the first move. Sorry, it's just a traditional thing and you're gonna have to get used to it. Ask us out on dates or just to hang out at your place. We don't mind where or when or what we do so long as we are doing it with you.

2. Talk. I know we girls are known far and wide for our ability to talk, but we'd appreciate it if you carry the conversation sometimes. Even our unsatiable voice-boxes can get tired and yes, our ingenious minds can run out of things to say. Start with simple questions about us or to make it even easier on you, just answer our questions, but not with one word answers. Tell us a story or ramble. We certainly won't mind and we want to get to know you better.

3. Be considerate of our needs. I know this one may be tricky, but girls don't always want to kiss all the time or go on more formal dates. We have the most fun when we're doing some of our favorite hobbies or running around and laughing our heads off, basically what we normally do everyday. Do something that you would normally do with your sister (besides teasing). Maybe she even likes sports or videogames, but again make sure we're doing something that we're comfortable with. Yes, we girls will do many things to please you because we are that amazing, but if you really like her, you'll do many things to please her.

4. Don't show off. Usually it just embarrasses you. It works better if you just be yourself. Still try to impress her of course. We can get bored pretty easily with the same person everyday. Vary it up and do't be afraid to express your opinions, unless she really happens to hate your oppinion.

5. Be a gentleman. Walk us to our door. Hold a door open for us. Pull out our chair for us. Offer to take our jacket. Don't assume we know where to go or what to do with our stuff. Although most girls prefer to do things on their own. A little help here and there is appreciated. Of course above all, NEVER assume that we girls are weak. Often, we are far stronger than we appear. It is better to have a mutual relationship than a controlling one and you are not the boss in the relationship. Work together, be best friends, and be willing to listen and support her, even if she complains a little excessively.

Thanks for all you do guys. I still feel like we girls have it tougher than you, but we appreciate you making our lives easier. Keep smiling!

Day 10- What Goes Around, Comes Around

Easter was beautiful. As usual, Easter is a big holiday in my family and gifts were exchanged kind of like a second Christmas. I'm not much of a greedy person, but even if I was, I would've gotten everything I have ever wanted, minus a car. Those are expensive, obviously. However, I got some sweet electronic add-ons and giftcards galore. I have everything I've ever wanted (I've never really wanted a lot) so what now? I see what they mean when they say the richest man on earth can't be happy. I guess sharing my material wealth with others and spreading my love is the best course of action. The more you give, the more you get.

I suppose there is one thing I could want besides a car. Yep, you can guess what it is. A boyfriend. I know, cheesy. But almost every girl on the planet knows how hard it is to get a boy that is perfect. Unfortunately, I've not met anyone that lives up to my high standards. Jay comes pretty close, but I promised myself I wouldn't go back down that path until I've explored more options. We'll see how the "love life" turns out.

Now I'm back in school after the weekend. The school halls are crowded and noisy compared to my more secluded house. My favorite spot to do homework is still outside in the sun, in my backyard. It's the most peaceful and rejuvinating spot I've ever encountered. Listening to the breeze lightly rustle through the grass and leaves of the shady trees... it's music. And now that the sun has finally decided to show its face after the colder days of last month, I'm taking full advantage of the heat, maybe get some color back into my way too pale skin.

I've got new clothes, a new haircut, and a new style altogether. It makes me feel like I'm no longer a hermit living under a rock for decades. I'm back into the new styles and even now, I'm attracting a few more respectful glances from boys and girls alike. Sky's out to compete!

Still, despite all the new, new, new, it feels old and monotonous. I suppose that just means that my big life moment hasn't happened yet. When it does, I imagine it will be incredible, I'll be unstoppable, and no day will ever be the same again. It will be fun and important, just like my childhood fantasies of being president or flying. It will be momentous and spectacular. And hey, might as well share a bit of my time with others as well. All a day in the life of Sky.

Day 9- Never Forget

I took a glance out my window this morning only to find a fresh new layer of snow. It's a harsh reminder that Nature's got other plans than to let the sun shine forever. I normally love the snow, but this late in the year is just riduculous. It's unfortunate that you can't wish away the snow with willpower. If we could, I would've cleared the snow hours ago.

It reminds me of the dreams I had last night. It's been a long time since I've had such vivid dreams. I used to have them all the time. I guess I stopped having them after I became obsessed with Jay. When everyday life is like a dream, your mind thinks you don't need any at night. Now that the daydreams are gone, the night ones can come back. I can't say I'm terribly thrilled to be rid of my daydreams, but I'm still quite eager for the night dreams because they allow me to escape the dreariness and monotony of the real world. It's a wonderful experience to exist in a completely different world in which you are the master. I like the feel of the power since life in the day is out of control.

I've got work piling on. Not just physically, but the mental stress is also piling up. I'm going to spend the next few days squeezing in as much time to work as possible. It's really too bad I don't have many more distractions left. That just leaves me with one option: do my work. It's an option I've been jumping through hoops to avoid. Now that it's staring me right in the face, all I can do is sigh and get to work.

Maybe as a result of seeing the snow, I've been experiencing some flashbacks. Stuff that I thought was long forgotten is now flashing back, more bittersweet and permanent than before. Though it hurts to remind myself of the mistakes I've made, I have a feeling these flashbacks will be very beneficial in the next few days. Perhaps they'll keep me from making any more mind boggling mess-ups.

Among those memories stands a very clear and sharp reminder, the recent passing of a dearly loved family member. I feel sad, but I also remember all the happiness we had together. I stand a living witness of how fragile life is. We must live each day to it's full potential and squeeze out each special moment so that when we pass on, we have no regrets, only peace. Never forget how special each moment is and cherish it close to your heart.