Wow! School's been rough these past few weeks. I'm finally through most of my finals and can get back into the swing of things including my writing. I know I should write about my pets, but something bigger has recently happened in my life and that event takes first priority. For those who don't know, my writing is my reprieve from emotion. Sometimes our emotions can get the best of us, carrying us too far into despair. My writing is the best way to express my emotions. It's like someone you can talk to, a shoulder to lean on. That brings me to the subject of my writing, that missing shoulder to lean on.
Jay is my best friend. Or he was... We did everything together. I remember that first day in January when our friendship turned into something so much more. He came over to my place to watch a movie, just like friends would do. Sitting on my couch, he pulled my head gently to his shoulder and there I stayed for the rest of the movie. I don't remember much of the movie, only the sweet scent of his skin and the warmth of his body. I'm sure he thought of it like a sister-brother thing because we really were family by that time, but I thought of it as so much more.
At the time, he had a girlfriend still, but I was determined to change that. From that point on, I used my renowned patience and skill to slowly wear him down. Several texting conversations later and a lot of cheesy comments, I had won him. (Honestly, I had no doubts I would get him.) I had loved him since August so it was a cherished moment to finally win his heart after months of being ripped apart every time he talked about his girlfriend. Yes, I feel really bad about breaking them apart. They really were perfect for each other. But I wanted him too badly and I made some rash mistakes. Even though I really don't have the capacity to cry, I cry now to think how much I hurt her.
But crying must inevitably bow down to laughter and joy. That first night we were finally together was a dream come true and so much more. For a week, we saw each other as often as we could and just held each other, listening to our hearts beat in our chests and in my case, trying to convince myself that he was mine and I was his. That he was a real person, a real person who loved me, little, insignificant me.Every time I saw him, my heart skipped several beats and then pounded with the intensity of a thunderstorm. My eyes drooped when he held me in his arms, there was no need for words, I feared they might ruin the pure ecstasy I felt.
He wanted to kiss me. My lips tried their best to reach his, but my brain held back each time. How can you trust a boy when so many have let you down? Then, I gave in. It was the moment of complete trust, at last I was HIS. He wasn't mine, I wasn't the controller. I was HIS and I would do anything to keep it that way. He was gentle, I thought from that moment, he is a gentleman and will do anything to keep me just like I would do anything to keep him. It wasn't meant to be...
When weeks go by without visiting each other, and Valentine's Day comes and goes without a single present or any action that's new, just the same boring holding hands and talking, a girl can get a little paranoid. I got frustrated. I didn't feel the same way as in that first week. Why wasn't he like those wonderful football players? They cheat all the time sure, but at least they fake it really well. I wondered, did I even like him anymore?
We broke apart for so many reasons I can't explain, I hurt him. I hurt her. I hurt everyone. I hurt myself. The first few days apart were torture. I wanted him back. I told myself, "You've got to be strong Sky. You're not good enough for him, he needs to get back with his real love. Because you're not her.You've got to be mean to him so he can stop loving you." How I regret those words now.
He did forget me. He left me behind without a second glance. He found a new girl... my friend. I was supposed to be happy for him. I am happy he's happy, and I knew that I would hurt, but I thought I would've moved on by now and found someone else. But, no. It took this long to figure out what I had. It took this long and a new girl to see what he meant to me, what he still means to me. How could I be so selfish? Why didn't I remember how hard I worked to get him until it was too late? Now I've missed my chance. I'll never get him back. Everyone knows you can't get a good thing twice. I was lucky to get it once.
Now not a day goes by that I don't dream of us together again. My body aches to be held, but not just by anyone. No one was as perfect as he. Despite all his flaws and all the hurts I suffered with him, it hurts far more to be away. My favorite memory of us lingers bitter-sweet in his wake. There we are on his couch. Me, lying on his chest, my arms wrapped around his back, my cheek pressed to his heart. He squeezed me tight until my eyes bugged out and in his actions he seemed to say, "we'll never be apart, my princess." He called me beautiful, pretty, hot, cute, and amazing. Will I ever trust those words again?
He deserves to read these words. It is about him after all. He won't take me back. I don't expect him to. I just want to tell him the truth. You were always truthful. I've lied to you. I hope this puts it right. We're even at last.
I'll be here, ask me for any help. I'm still here to give. I'm a bird that's lost its wings and I will never fly away. I'm still here.
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