Turned over a new leaf. Oh no! you say. She said that before and she lied, you say. Yes, the first time, I lied. I thought it was permanent, but I never learn do I? Well I'm back. From where? From being lost. I gave up on everything I dreamed about because I gave up on everything I cared about. When you lose love, you lose life. I was nothing, but a mindless machine doing what others wanted me to do. I followed their paths, not my own. I stopped writing, reading, drawing, laughing, and most importantly, loving. I couldn't anymore. I couldn't find the motivation to care about others, I couldn't even care for myself. Six boys I've gone through like clothes. I'd wear one proudly for weeks on end before trashing him for a new style. Six may not sound like too much, but to me... they were everything. For the first time in my life I didn't know who I loved. I was left without a back-up plan. No one to get me out of bed just to see his face, no one to love me for who I am and not who I want to be. No one at all.
Then I realized the problem. I thought styles changed fast, but that I could keep up. I can't. I have to adapt to the styles and change when I've hit a dead end. They always say don't change yourself, but how can you be happy until you shed your skin? So... I did. I stretched out of the old and into the new. There's still no single boy in my life, but I don't mind so much anymore. I can keep a list again. A list of boys I think are cute and nice, etc. It feels good to know I have options. And oh! To be single! The greatest freedom in the world I think. I do at times remember the feeling of being loved so deeply. That kind of memory can never leave. But I don't want it to. It's nice to know that when I'm older and have found that perfect guy, I can settle down and have that again. For now, I'll enjoy and treasure my freedom awaiting the day when Prince Charming will chain me to his heart.
I can write again. Draw again, start again. I have so many ideas that have been hiding for so long I can't wait to set them free. Looking back, I was so much better at expressing my feelings than I thought I was. How could I give up writing just when I was starting to blossom? It'll take a while to get back up to the level I was on, but I'll work hard because I have new energy.
What brought me out of the darkness you ask? That answer's simple, and it always has been. Books. They can change your mood within minutes of reading their intoxicating words. They can change your outlook on life and start ideas that grow into so much more. Take Marx and his Communist Manifesto for instance. Perhaps we don't really like the results so much, but the implications of the book are long-lasting and echo through the ages. It started a revolution. A search for a better life. I started on the classics, slowly making my way back to simple, clean, pure, love stories. They changed my mind. I want to come into the light again. With books by my side I'll just take it one step at a time.
Look for my new stories on my new blog coming soon!
