Day 17- Miracle Summer

Could there be an option? Could that be a ray of hope when before there was none? I refuse to believe it. Impossible, I said. Crazy, I said. Could it be I've received a good thing twice? My magic is strong, my will is stonger still. Yet my love is the force that moves my world. It never ceases to amaze me.

A year has finally ended. School's out. Summer in. What am I gonna do with all that free time? Well I've got a couple classes I'll be taking during the summer. They'll be easy and quick.  Maybe a couple hours a day for a month. I also want to learn the guitar. I want to get back into song writing, drawing, and story writing. I'll definetly be sharing my works! Videogames are on a high priority list. I also want to include some exercise since I've been sitting and doing more sitting all year in school. Bike-riding, hiking, swimming, and running are just a few activities on my agenda along with sports like crazy. I've got some singing and instumental obligations to attend to and some trips to foreign places. In addition, I've still got a room to clean out (my messy bedroom) and a big list of books to read and movies to watch. It all begins tomorrow! I'll be busy sure, but still bored. Hopefully friends can help with that.

That dear boy is going to be the death of me. How is it your eyes are sparkling when you are mad? How do you look so sweet? How did I get to you again when all was lost? The world is full of miracles it seems. How my prayers have been answered! How much good luck can one person contain? Why do you love me universe? Oh how wonderful a life!

Ah summer, soon innocense will be lost, hearts broken, dreams shattered. Yet it's the funnest time of our lives. Love ya summer!

Day 16- Thank You, This Life Was Great

I've given off all of my emotion. It's gone now. I feel like I've just woken up from a car crash. The tension built up until the moment of impact when everything went black. Now I'm calm, emotionless, empty. Like tabula rasa, it's time to start anew. I've been given the chance to be reborn. The question is now, will I take that opportunity?

To you, I speak to you, only you. You're an angel. You were sweet and still are. How did I end up with a friend like you? You make me feel wanted and special, like something you look forward to seeing. You hurt when I hurt. You cry when I cry. You smile when I smile and laugh when I laugh. You're a true friend. I beat myself up and thus beat you up by extension. I hurt you. How could I when you have given me nothing but kindness? I am telling you now. I realize how wonderful you are now. I see what you have done for me. I know the pain you now go through for me. Has anyone ever done something like that for me? No. Only you. That is why I love you, though I never saw it before, though I never knew just exactly why. I am telling you now, thank you.

You were my miracle that made the sun shine when the sky was gray, turning darker. You made me feel completely content with myself. Then and only then was the moment of defeat. The world sighed a moment of peace with sadness and anger vanquished forever. True, it's back, but could anyone else have done that for me? You gave me breathing room and it's time to take advantage of that. Just like you wanted, I'll stand in the light again. No, I won't hang my head as I walk, I'll hold it high. I won't hold my stomach and try hard to make myself invisible. I'll stand tall and smile, yes smile again. I'll let my strength show, I'll step into the spotlight. I'll shine, just like you wanted. Thank you.

I'll now move on. You know the strength I hold. Only you thought I'd pull through. Only you knew I'd pull through. You were right. Now it's my turn to help you. No more me, myself, and I. No more selfishness. It's all about you now. I want to help you. Give me your hand, I'll take away your pain. I'll be there for you forever. It's the least I can do for all you've done for me. Ask me for anything, I'll deliver. I love you always, but better now. Thank you.

Thank you.

Day 15- Jay, the Ray of Sunlight

The weather is beautiful, summer is dawning, my life is drowning. Jay still doesn't seem to realize the significance of who I am. He also seems not to know what my feelings are for him now and just cannot take hints, no matter how obvious. He jumps right to the wrong conclusion and you can never get in a proper argument with that boy, yet I seem to have imprinted on him anyway. Like the ball on a paddle-ball game, I'm attached to a string and I just bounce right back. I know, it seems obsessive, but how can I help it? I follow my heart.

I still find it difficult to get up in the morning to face the world. Even people I don't know very well recognize the signs of my pain and can figure that something is wrong. I'm tired when I've had plenty of sleep, I recently became ill for no reason at all, I find no joy in activities that would've given me a mile-wide smile before. I fake smile and give a laugh here and there. It's enough to keep most people from worrying about me too much, but my friends suspect all too well. It's just Jay that can't see how much pain I'm in.

I guess I'm a better actor than I thought to hide it so well from Jay. Yet I think the main reason he doesn't suspect is because he really can make me smile for real. It hurts to remember that he loves someone else, but when I'm with him I forget all that. He can make me feel wonderful again and I can really laugh. The stress drains away and leaves behind a cleansed, soft-spoken girl with no energy left to fight him. But when he leaves, the pain rushes back even sharper than before. It's not healthy to continue to live like this. What I need is to isolate myself from  him and form a clean break, but what I want is just the opposite. It's hard to fight when his eyes can melt me like the sun. He is literally the sun's rays in my life.

My friends have been trying to help with some activities that are super fun. Normally, I am an easy to please, smiley, and agreeable person who laughs at everything. Those qualities just got knocked right out of me. Now those activities are nothing. I just want my Jay back. I hug him, but it's like hugging a log, there's no feeling left in him for me. He views me as a good friend, but I only see him for a short while every other day and I freak out on the inside every time he touches my hand, but for him, there is no feeling. How could a week away from me in another state turn everything upside down?

I've been getting better at living with the pain. I can at least grin and bear it at times, although it feels more like a grimace. The pain is not so pulsing and sharp, but rather dull and aching. I know I'll live like this for a long time, I just can't get out of this love triangle so easily. I guess the pain will just become a part of my life, like living with cancer, I'll get used to it. Jay it's just like I say to you, "I hate you," and you reply, "yet you love me."

Day 14- The Hurt Is Like a Mirror

I've never felt this way before. I hear all the time about heart-break being a terrible experience. I never knew until now just how terrible it is. You go around holding your stomach, feeling like you're constantly gonna be sick. Your limbs are cold and your head is hot. Your heart feels like it's being ripped from your chest, but it never leaves, no matter how much you want your heart gone. There's a metallic taste in your mouth and throat that you just can't get rid of. If you don't die from wanting your love back soon, then you're gonna end up killing them instead from all the pain they cause.

It's all because of Jay. Why is it that only now do I realize that he was more than just a boy to me. He was my life's motivation, my something, my nothing, my everything, and my one thing. When I woke up in the morning and didn't want to get up, his image got me out of bed, just to see him... hear from him. I felt the need to be better, to improve myself constantly. I tried to make sure my hair and face were perfect before seeing him, yet I still felt embarrassed by my own looks as compared to his. I began to draw and write, all for him. I wanted to improve musically and practiced all the time and sang as if he were there in front of me. Now I can't get out of bed without feeling the pain. I can barely take care of myself.

It was just a week ago that he called me "dear." Just a week ago that he hugged me and promised to come over. Just a week that we could talk freely and trust every word we said to each other. Where did that go? I pushed him away. I tried to de-attach myself from him and tried to find someone else. I should've remembered that he's not like Jacoby, Evan, and Jack. They follow me around like loyal dogs. No matter how much I hurt them, they just come back more forcefully than ever (and more in love). He's different. I shouldn't have hurt him. I didn't think he would move on so soon. I wasn't prepared. How fast love comes! How fast love leaves...

It's sunny outside now. Beautiful green leaves sway in the breeze. Flowers grow in neon colors. I don't notice. Everything reminds me of Jay. I'm a dead weight and I never go out. I feel like I'm in a hole and will never see the light of the sun again. Even now, I sit close to my bed, in case I collapse. I've never been one to be weak, I was always the strong one who caried others on my shoulders. Now I'm the one who needs a crutch, but no one comes.

Jay I wish you were here. I stare in the mirror to see my ruined face, dried tear streaks on my cheeks, my hair in a knotted mess. I've cried so much my skin is dry. Now I have no tears left and I'm a hollow shell. I see the hurt reflecting back my face like a mirror. I've become the personification of a zombie. Jay, can you do something for me? Kill the zombie. Crack the mirror. Give me something to stare at besides myself. The hurt is like a mirror.

Day 13- The Bird That Lost Its Wings

Wow! School's been rough these past few weeks. I'm finally through most of my finals and can get back into the swing of things including my writing. I know I should write about my pets, but something bigger has recently happened in my life and that event takes first priority. For those who don't know, my writing is my reprieve from emotion. Sometimes our emotions can get the best of us, carrying us too far into despair. My writing is the best way to express my emotions. It's like someone you can talk to, a shoulder to lean on. That brings me to the subject of my writing, that missing shoulder to lean on.

Jay is my best friend. Or he was... We did everything together. I remember that first day in January when our friendship turned into something so much more. He came over to my place to watch a movie, just like friends would do. Sitting on my couch,  he pulled my head gently to his shoulder and there I stayed for the rest of the movie. I don't remember much of the movie, only the sweet scent of his skin and the warmth of his body. I'm sure he thought of it like a sister-brother thing because we really were family by that time, but I thought of it as so much more.

At the time, he had a girlfriend still, but I was determined to change that. From that point on, I used my renowned patience and skill to slowly wear him down. Several texting conversations later and a lot of cheesy comments, I had won him. (Honestly, I had no doubts I would get him.) I had loved him since August so it was a cherished moment to finally win his heart after months of being ripped apart every time he talked about his girlfriend.  Yes, I feel really bad about breaking them apart. They really were perfect for each other. But I wanted him too badly and I made some rash mistakes. Even though I really don't have the capacity to cry, I cry now to think how much I hurt her.

But crying must inevitably bow down to laughter and joy. That first night we were finally together was a dream come true and so much more. For a week, we saw each other as often as we could and just held each other, listening to our hearts beat in our chests and in my case, trying to convince myself that he was mine and I was his. That he was a real person, a real person who loved me, little, insignificant me.Every time I saw him, my heart skipped several beats and then pounded with the intensity of a thunderstorm. My eyes drooped when he held me in his arms, there was no need for words, I feared they might ruin the pure ecstasy I felt.

He wanted to kiss me. My lips tried their best to reach his, but my brain held back each time. How can you trust a boy when so many have let you down? Then, I gave in. It was the moment of complete trust, at last I was HIS. He wasn't mine, I wasn't the controller. I was HIS and I would do anything to keep it that way. He was gentle, I thought from that moment, he is a gentleman and will do anything to keep me just like I would do anything to keep him. It wasn't meant to be...

When weeks go by without visiting each other, and Valentine's Day comes and goes without a single present or any action that's new, just the same boring holding hands and talking, a girl can get a little paranoid. I got frustrated. I didn't feel the same way as in that first week. Why wasn't he like those wonderful football players? They cheat all the time sure, but at least they fake it really well. I wondered, did I even like him anymore?

We broke apart for so many reasons I can't explain, I hurt him. I hurt her. I hurt everyone. I hurt myself. The first few days apart were torture. I wanted him back. I told myself, "You've got to be strong Sky. You're not good enough for him, he needs to get back with his real love. Because you're not her.You've got to be mean to him so he can stop loving you." How I regret those words now.

He did forget me. He left me behind without a second glance. He found a new girl... my friend. I was supposed to be happy for him. I am happy he's happy, and I knew that I would hurt, but I thought I would've moved on by now and found someone else. But, no. It took this long to figure out what I had. It took this long and a new girl to see what he meant to me, what he still means to me. How could I be so selfish? Why didn't I remember how hard I worked to get him until it was too late? Now I've missed my chance. I'll never get him back. Everyone knows you can't get a good thing twice. I was lucky to get it once.

Now not a day goes by that I don't dream of us together again. My body aches to be held, but not just by anyone. No one was as perfect as he. Despite all his flaws and all the hurts I suffered with him, it hurts far more to be away. My favorite memory of us lingers bitter-sweet in his wake. There we are on his couch. Me, lying on his chest, my arms wrapped around his back, my cheek pressed to his heart. He squeezed me tight until my eyes bugged out and in his actions he seemed to say, "we'll never be apart, my princess." He called me beautiful, pretty, hot, cute, and amazing. Will I ever trust those words again?

He deserves to read these words. It is about him after all. He won't take me back. I don't expect him to. I just want to tell him the truth. You were always truthful. I've lied to you. I hope this puts it right. We're even at last.

I'll be here, ask me for any help. I'm still here to give. I'm a bird that's lost its wings and I will never fly away. I'm still here.